Sometimes we create our own heartbreak through expectation
by I am Clara Oswald
Summary: Perhaps, Lena supposed, that's just who she is. Unlovable. Perhaps there's something wrong with her, a fundamental flaw that everyone but her can see. Maybe she was designed to be like this. Maybe she was designed to be unloved. Maybe even the Gods knew that she didn't deserve happiness. (Also posted on Ao3)


Sometimes we create our own heartbreak through expectation. For example, believing that we will be accepted, when in reality, that is so far from the truth. Lena Luthor understands this better than anyone. It started when she was four, expecting to be accepted into the Luthor family. And sure, Lex may have shown her some affection, and Lionel may have spent a little extra time making sure that she understood her class work, but Lillian very obviously showed that she had a dislike for Lena, publically accepting her, but in the confines of the Luthor mansion, only a few words were uttered, about how she needed to be a better Luthor, how she needed to fit into the business class elite. So Lena had strived for acceptance, she had strived to be what Lillian wanted. Along the way, Lena realised that she was always going to be one step behind. She never was going to be accepted. And that was the first time her heart broke.

So she stayed away from connecting with people, automatically assuming that no one would like her, and well, with her surname, no one ever did. As hard as that is to grasp, it gave Lena some comfort. She wasn't going to get her heart broken again, because she had both expected and accepted the fact that she was going to be alone. Which is why when a sunny reporter walked into her office one day, she was cold, and calm. Each answer calculated to the last letter to ensure there was no emotion attached. Each look lasting a short amount of time to make sure she didn't seem kind or friendly. Despite all of this, she found herself thinking later on about what it would be like to be accepted by this puppy personified. Which lead to this conversation. Over a year down the line of first meeting the bubbly girl.

"Oh Lena it was wonderful!" Lena was drawn out of her thoughts by the light voice, catching her attention, "He brought me flowers! Specifically tulips. Did you know that they mean a declaration of love?" Kara rambled on about what else Mon-El had done for her, but Lena's mind was stuck on the word love. Love. Defined as a strong feeling of affection. Maybe Mon-El just wanted to be Kara's friend. No. Mon-El loved Kara. She knew as much. And no matter how much it tore her up from the inside, she knew that Kara was happy. She wondered if she could ever been that happy.

"Lena?" That same voice bought her out of her mind yet again, "Is everything okay?" She scoffed, immediately regretting the action when Kara's smile slipped.

"No, yes, I'm sorry, there's just, a lot on my mind." Her voice wavered slightly. Kara titled her head, brow furrowing in concern, "I just... Kara, can I tell you something?" She nodded, placing her hands over Lena's, who quickly drew hers away, ignoring the hurt in Kara's eyes.

"Lena… whatever it is, you can tell me, and you know that right?" Lena searched her eyes for any hesitance, but found none. She took a deep breath.

"You know Alex?" Kara nodded, "And how…how she likes girls?" Another nod, "Would you…would you be okay if I liked girls?" Kara's mouth opened slightly, before drawing Lena into a hug, cradling her head against her shoulder, whispering calming words into Lena's ear, as she felt Lena's body shake with silent tears.

"Honestly Lena, I have more of a problem with you trying to make me eat kale." Kara laughed out, causing a choked laugh to leave the other girl. "I love you for who you are Lee, who ever that is. I'm always going to be here okay?" She felt Lena nod into her shoulder, tightening the hug. If only Kara really knew. But for now, she had been accepted. And that was all she really needed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Months later found her at game night, officially part of the group, surprisingly accepted by each member, though it took convincing. It was mainly Kara who got them all to talk to her. She was currently sat next to Maggie on one of Kara's sofas, having been teamed up to play charades, as Alex was busy at work, and everyone else had been paired up. Winn and James, Lena and Maggie, and Kara and… Mon-El. She sighed slightly, a hand coming up to massage her temple. She thought that she could cope with Kara being with Mon-El, but it seemed it was getting harder every day. She felt eyes on her, even though Winn and James were currently on their turn. She closed her eyes, and moved her other hand to lace with Maggie's, who gave a gentle squeeze. She seemed to sense that it wouldn't be a good idea to say anything, seeing the potential for things to get worse for Lena. Lena hesitantly opened her eyes, catching Kara's whose eyes were full of happiness, seemingly oblivious to what was going through Lena's mind. Maggie nudged Lena slightly, who then turned to look at her.

"I'm not sure Maggie. I don't think I can." Maggie replied with a sad smile, eyes quickly glancing to the door. She received a nod in response.  
Lena spoke up, "Hey sorry guys, but I need to go. I've an early start tomorrow, and I have lots of paper work to do." They all waved her off as she stood up, still holding Maggie's hand, who followed up with her.  
"I'm going to head out too, Alex should be off soon." She waved at Kara, who was now paying more attention.  
"Bye Mags, say hi to Alex for me!" And with that, they both left the apartment in silence, hands still clasped as Maggie silently offered Lena a ride. She declined, needing to just be by herself. She released her hand, turning to walk down the street.  
"Be safe Luthor." were the last words that she heard before she decided to block everything out and go it alone again.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Lena glanced at her phone. She had turned it on for the first time in three months. She only had five messages. Two were from Kara, and she was disheartened to see that they were from the day after she'd last seen her.

 **[Kara Danvers 10:12am]**

 _Lena, I was wondering if you were free for lunch today._

 **[Kara Danvers 2:47pm]**

 _I guess not! I had lunch with Mon-El instead, we went to that new diner down on 3_ _rd._

The next two were from Maggie. One from two months ago, and one a few days after.

 **[Maggie Sawyer 8:34pm]**

 _Hey Luthor, are you free to come over tonight? Don't worry, it will just be us._

 **[Maggie Sawyer 11:08am]**

 _Hi Lena. I don't think I quite understand what's going on. But I'm giving you two months to be by yourself. Two months to work through what is in your head before I come and see you. I really care about you. Please keep yourself safe Lena –Maggie._

The last one has just come through, more or less right as Lena had turned the phone on.

 **[Maggie Sawyer 2:07am]**

 _I miss you. I've seen you around, but never with Little Danvers. I need to properly see you Lena. Please reply._

She hesitated. She had done well. Sure, she was borderline alcoholic now, and her self-doubt and hatred were at a record high, but she had survived. Maybe she needed to open up to Maggie, maybe she needed someone. She picked up her phone and typed a message.

 **[Lena Luthor 2:14am]**

 _I'm in my office._

20 minutes later, there was a hesitant knock at the door, and entering her office was one Maggie Sawyer, a look of concern and relief on her face.  
"Lena…" she started, walking over to the now standing up CEO, her arms reaching out, inviting a hug. Lena almost leapt forward, wrapping her arms around Maggie's midsection, burrowing into her neck. A soft laugh left her lips as she felt Maggie's arms encircle her neck, a light kiss being placed onto her head. Her laughing bubbled into sobs as she clung to Maggie, who moved them towards the couch, sitting down, but refusing to let go of Lena. They stayed like that for a while, until Lena's sobs reduced to sniffs, which lead to her pulling away. Maggie looked into her eyes, a silent question in them. _Can you tell me?_

"I feel like I'm over reacting. I come from a family where little emotion is shown, and…" she trailed off and sighed. This was not a conversation about her family. "Okay. Okay." She mumbled more to herself than Maggie, capturing the other girls hand in her own for a pressure point. To feel something.

"I could do it. I could see her and think 'hey it's okay that she's not mine'. I told myself that I could do it, even when she is with someone. And I did. For months. I kept quiet, I listened to her talk about him, about how he brought her flowers, about how he told her he loved her, about how they went on dates, and tried out new restaurants. About the ice skating, the walks in the park, even just grocery shopping. But I never saw them _together_. And then I did and I… I just couldn't anymore. I felt a pressure in my head, as if it was laughing at me. Paying me back for thinking that I could survive pushing my feelings down. That I could survive being only her friend. I don't think I realised how much of me I was really pushing away. I walked away from her because I realised that I was destroying myself. Expecting that I would be okay. She didn't break my heart, I broke my own."

XXXXXXXXXX

It was another two months before Maggie confronted Kara. Lena knew the gist of the conversation, but wasn't expecting anything to come out of it. It's not like Kara had actually come to see Lena, or texted her any more than those two times. Even a reporter who wasn't Kara had come to interview Lena, and well, Lena didn't want to think about Kara much anymore, and so gladly had accepted this new person to be her voice at CatCo.

It was another game night without Lena, and Maggie was a little disappointed that Kara never even asked if Lena was okay. Too absorbed in her relationship with Mon-El. She stood up, took hold of Kara's arm, and dragged her outside the apartment.

"Maggie what the hell?" Kara all but shouted, her eyes steely, a questioning look crossing her face.  
"Okay Kara, I know you are occupied with… _him_ " Kara raised her eyebrow at the tone, "But please don't tell me that you've forgotten about Lena." Kara's eyes widened, as did her mouth, "You have. Kara look," she started in a calmer tone, "It's been 5 months since you've seen her, five months since you've talked to her. And Lena isn't going to overstep. She probably assumes that you don't want to see her, as that's pretty harsh." The door of Kara's apartment opened, and Alex stepped out, looking in concern at her sister, and then in confusion at her fiancée.

"What's going on? Is everything okay?" Both girls ignored her question.  
"I will talk to her tomorrow," Maggie raised an eyebrow, "tonight. I will talk to her tonight."  
"Thank you. Don't let it be too late. And don't expect her to just welcome you with open arms Kara. She's different. She's changed." Kara nodded silently, turning back into the apartment to grab her bag. As she left, she walked past Maggie again, muttering a 'sorry' before leaving.

"Maggie what the hell was that?" Alex asked incredulously, eyes wide.  
"Leave it Alex, I'm going to head home. I really don't feel too good." Alex's eyes widened further.  
"Are you going to hang with Lena again? Like you do almost every night?" Maggie shook her head, took a hold of Alex's hand, and led them both back to her apartment.

XXXXXXXXX

Kara arrived at Lena's office 10 minutes later.  
"Lena?" she called out hesitantly, making eye contact with the other woman.  
"Ms Danvers, what can I do for you?" Everything about Lena currently held up the business woman idea. The challenging look in her eye, the distaste dripping from her voice, the tight posture, chin up, arms folded.  
"Lena I – "  
"Miss Luthor." Lena spoke.  
"Why?"  
"If you would please forgive me, but I am a business woman, I have a business to run, and you are a reporter, are you not? I do believe that requires us to be professional. It's not like we are friends is it." Kara hesitated, her eyes searching Lena's for anything that would prove this was a joke, that she didn't mean it. She found nothing.  
"Okay I… I deserve that." Lena's eyebrow raised, as if challenging Kara's statement. "I know I haven't been the best of friends the past few months –"  
"No Miss Danvers, you haven't. Specifically, you haven't been a friend at all. I haven't seen you, or heard from you. I believed we had a good relationship. You told me things I will never forget, not particularly because they mattered, but because they made me feel like I did. I understand that I am not a Luthor, I understood that years ago."  
"Lena I'm sorry."  
"I apologise, but sorry isn't going to cut it." Lena stood from her chair, moving in front of Kara so she could look the other woman in the eye, her heels making her taller, as if increasing her authority. "You made me believe that I mattered, you made me feel accepted. I told you things I have never told anyone else. I confided in you, you confided in me. I felt lucky that someone like you even gave me a second glance, let alone became my friend, let alone made me feel loved. Then you get a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for you, but all of a sudden I lost you. You were cancelling on me. Our conversations were 'Mon-El this' and 'Mon-El that'. It was a lot. Because I –"she paused.  
"Because you what?" Kara asked quietly, afraid of the answer.  
"It doesn't matter. But if there's something I've learned from this. Just one thing. It's that you never loved me."  
"No Lena that's wrong, of course I lo–"  
"Goodbye Miss Danvers. I have business to attend to." She turned around, dismissing Kara, who stood there, a single tear rolling down her face.  
"I'm not giving up Lena."  
"On the contrary, Miss Danvers, while you may not have given up, I certainly have. Sometimes we create our own heartbreak through expectation, and after a while, I got comfortable, and simply expected you to do the same to me as I did for you. But you stopped. And I was left having broken my own heart. Ever since I moved in with the Luthor's, after I expected them to accept me and love me, and then got my heartbroken because they didn't, I have always stayed away from people. You were the first that I ever properly let it. It was a mistake. You were exactly what I needed. You were…what I wanted. Loving you wasn't my mistake Kara, even if I loved you more than a friend ever should, but the mistake was thinking that you loved me back, in anyway. I have a business to run, and I can't waste my time with people who barely spare me a thought. Now please, leave, because I don't know how much longer I can stop myself from shouting at you."  
Kara's hands were shaking. _'More than a friend ever should'_. Lena loved her. Actually loved her.  
"Lena, I love you. As a friend. You are my best friend. I'm sorry that I'm not in love with you. I can't make myself love you. You need to understand that."  
"I have. Please leave." Lena said through gritted teeth.  
"I'm here if you want me in your life. I am. I always will be. I pro–"  
"KARA DANVERS YOUR PROMISES MEAN NOTHING. I WILL NEVER HAVE YOU. GET OUT OF MY OFFICE AND OUT OF MY LIFE." Kara flinched, opened her mouth to reply, but saw the glower Lena aimed at her, and turned and walked out of her office. She flew home, and straight into Mon-El's arms, collapsing on the ground.  
"I've lost her Mon."  
"She doesn't deserve you Kara."  
 _You're right_ , Kara thought, _she deserves better_.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Both Alex and Maggie's phone went off.

 **[Kara 3 10:54pm]**

 _Alex. I've lost Lena forever._

 **[Little Danvers 10:55pm]**

 _Well that's it. You were right, Lena wasn't ready to forgive me. And now she's gone from my life. You should've said something sooner._

Maggie also had a text from Lena.

 **[Lena Luthor 10:54pm]**

 _Maggie. Please._

Alex looked at Maggie expectantly. She tilted her head.  
"Okay Sawyer, what's going on? I'm going to need you to explain everything." Maggie sighed, going to sit on the couch, Alex sitting down on the opposite side. "Are you cheating on me?"  
"God no! Oh my god N no Alex! I'm not cheating on you!"  
"Then what is it?"  
"It's Lena. She's been going through some stuff, and I've been helping." Alex looked at her disapprovingly, showing that she is going to have to explain herself a lot more. "Lena likes Kara. As in, Lena loves Kara. She's been keeping it to herself, because she never wanted to ruin their friendship. After Kara started dating Mon-El, she curled back into herself. Outwardly she seemed okay, invested in Kara's relationship, but overall, she wasn't doing okay. She came out to Kara, and Kara was happy for her. It wasn't until game night that Lena saw them together. You weren't there, or you might've noticed something. Lena just looked so…heart broken. But she never expected Kara to love her back. She left that night, and didn't talk to anyone for three months Alex. And you know what? Kara didn't even attempt to talk to her. She was too focused on Mon-El to see that her best friend needed her. So I started talking to Lena, trying to get her to open up, for her to see that it was okay, and to help in any way that I can. Tonight I told Kara about Lena. That they hadn't spoken in 5 months, and that Lena thinks she's just been abandoned by her. I told her to maybe talk to Lena, but don't expect her to forgive her. Obviously, Lena didn't and Kara's upset. So is Lena, she needs me." Alex sat there in silence for a while, thinking over everything.  
"Lena has no reason to be upset."  
"Excuse me?"  
"I mean, she fell in love with Kara, what was she expecting? Kara to just fall in love back? That only happens in fanfictions, it doesn't happen in real life. She over reacted and now Kara is hurting because her best friend doesn't want her."  
"Alex, I said she didn't expect Kara to love her back! You are missing the point!"  
"So I'm guessing you aren't supporting Kara here."  
"That's not what I'm saying babe, I'm just saying that Lena has every right. I know what it's like to love someone, and them not love you back. It's absolutely destroying."  
"Do you know what else is destroying? Expecting someone to love you back. I can't believe you're with Lena." Maggie recoiled. She stared at Alex disbelievingly, before standing up, and walking to the door. She turned around, Alex not meeting her eye, and sighed. Then she left. Going to join the CEO in her office, and try to provide support in any way she could, hoping that maybe Alex would do the same once she talked to her sister.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Lena sat on her balcony, a glass of whiskey in her hand, letting her mind wander. She was used to being left alone. She was used to people not reciprocating her feelings, her mother being one. She snorted. She stilled loved her mother, even if Lillian would never love her back. Perhaps, Lena supposed, that's just who she is. Unlovable. Perhaps there's something wrong with her, a fundamental flaw that everyone but her can see. Maybe she was designed to be like this. Maybe she was designed to be unloved. Maybe even the Gods knew that she didn't deserve happiness.

She looked up at the sky, creating stories in her mind that allowed her to be happy. Alternative universes where she and Kara ended up together, one where she never was a Luthor, one where she was loved.

Sometimes we create our own heartbreak through expectation. But sometimes it's having no expectations that leaves us with heartbreak.


End file.
